The One List That Changed Everything for Me
I’m a list gal - I’ve got them for groceries, tasks, dreams, errands - if it’s in my brain chances are it’s somewhere on a list. I’ve always been this way, but when I became a mama and as I’ve gotten older, I rely on my lists to keep it all from falling through the cracks. It’s like the glue to my days. But there is one list that changed everything for me. It changed the way I organized my days. It altered what I had previously categorized as priorities. It shed a spotlight on certain behaviors within myself that in the past left me a little confused. Like, “What was that about?! Why did I just lose my **&^% over this seemingly small thing?!” It created space for ME in a new and bold way.
What IS this magical list?! It’s your Joy List.
Like many, I’ve been in a season of transformation. You could argue that it was fueled by 2020, Covid, raising teens, midlife, 20 years of marriage, the passing of my dad, or fluctuating hormones. Ultimately it doesn’t matter what the fuel was, but I was stumbling big time and knew something needed to shift. The way I was trying to live life, to be in life, wasn’t working as well as it used to. I had spent 18 years as a stay at home mama, putting everyone else’s needs above my own, creating a life that from the outside looked picture-perfect, but if you examined it carefully you would notice the smiles that didn’t quite reach our eyes. My family felt controlled, tied by rules and expectations. My husband felt unneeded and resentful. I was exhausted and bitter that despite bending over backwards to keep everyone happy, they weren’t grateful or, well, happy.
I distinctly remember the day my daughter looked at me, tears threatening to run down my cheeks, and said simply, “Mom, it’s not your job to keep everyone happy.” I stood there frozen, knowing she was right, but unable to answer because in my mind, that was exactly what my job had been. I couldn’t even respond. My role was to make sure everyone got to where they wanted to go, had the opportunities they wanted to have, made sure everyone was fed, clothed, and safe. No. Matter. What. We did Pinterest crafts, themed birthday parties with homemade cakes, cooked together, played games and learned the value of working hard together. {None of which I regret for a single second by the way.} One family member's sacrifice was everyone’s sacrifice. Except mine - I kept those to myself. Or at least I told myself I did. I was beginning to break under the impossible measure of success I had set that if everyone in my family was happy I was rocking it. The truth I didn’t want to admit was their happiness was completely out of my control.
My own happiness, however, was not.
I didn’t even know what brought me joy anymore. Unfortunately the story for a lot of moms has been to prioritize the needs of your family above your own and I’m glad to see a shift in this philosophy lately. When you prioritize everyone else for so long, it’s not surprising you wake up one day and wonder what you like. It’s a bit disorienting to say the least. In an effort to unpack this, I sat down with a blank piece of paper and began listing everything I could think of that I enjoyed. Sunset walks, a warm cup of coffee, time with friends, laughing until I cried, the smell of a lemon-scented candle, early morning journaling while everyone else slept. The list grew and I began to see so many opportunities at my fingertips that wouldn’t affect anyone else if I just took time to build them into my days.
I began incorporating little bits from this list daily, taking time to savor and be in the moment of these joys. It provided a newfound freedom to know that no matter what was happening around me I was able to create joyful moments within me. I slowly began to release my grip on trying to keep everyone else happy and working more on keeping myself happy. Did anyone notice? I’m not sure, but it didn’t matter anymore. I needed to prove to myself that when the storm winds started blowing, I was able to stand firm within myself. Best of all, in the middle of a challenging day, I now had something to fall back on even if it was as simple as lighting a candle and taking a deep breath. I noticed more joyful moments and I was able to be present in them.
This one little list shifted everything even though nothing in my life had shifted.
The ultimate truth is your power lies within you. Not in the people around you (or their happiness). Not in the success that comes your way or the job you hold. Not the picture-perfect portrait staring back at you. Not in the money in your bank account. This little list was the beginning of a deep transformation in my soul. A quiet whisper asking me to come back home to myself.
Do I still get caught trying to bend time and do everything in my power to make others happy. Yep and I probably always will. However, I no longer measure my success as a mom or wife by this measure. I know at the end of the day my happiness is my responsibility - and everyone else’s happiness is their responsibility. How about you? Do you know what brings you joy and slivers of happiness? How can you infuse your day with little moments that speak to your heart? Follow along to learn where this process took me next and where you’re invited to take the next step in creating alignment in life for yourself. See you soon!
