When falling apart is the goal
“I feel like I’ve always been the strong one who held everyone up and everything together. But lately, I feel like I’m falling apart too. What happens then?”
She said this quietly, eyes downcast, as if saying the words out loud would make her entire world shatter.
She spent years building a home that felt safe and loving, caring for her family, making it appear seamless. She smiled boldly even though inside she was full of anxiety and the thought that this wasn’t what it was supposed to look and feel like, circled her mind on repeat.
The thing was, she wasn’t quite sure what it was supposed to look and feel like. Just not this.
She was tired - the kind of tired that sleep won’t fix.
It was a weariness of her soul.
An ache she was unable to name.
And an unmet expectation of what she had always imagined.
When I asked what she wanted to do in her deepest heart but felt guilty saying, she replied, without hesitation. “Get in my car and drive until I find a beach I like then spend a week there. Alone, with my journal and no schedule. I just want to hear myself for a moment and not have to keep up any appearances, tasks, or obligations.”
Here’s the thing - we all have thoughts and desires we are afraid to say out loud, even though no one would honestly react with contempt. At least, I would hope no, and it’s my opinion more people would nod right along with you. Because a week alone would sound like a dream to most women. However, many of us have been raised to consider everyone else first. To weigh the costs. To follow logic over desire. To make a damn pros and cons list.
Even though you might find more listed under cons, but when you truly consider the pros - they carry more value. For everyone. Don’t get me started on this form of decision making- I’ll save that for another day. 🤐
We discussed core needs (certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth and contribution) and considered what was actually beneath this secret desire. Once we had that piece of information, the list of ways to meet her needs became a lot more doable. She didn’t need to drive two states away to hear herself. Instead it might look like a scheduled walk daily or weekly; a monthly solo-road trip to explore a new area or just roll the windows down and turn the music up; or a Pinterest board for a future annual trip - guests optional.
What began as a heavy weight on her heart, turned into a lightness as I watched a small glimmer re-enter her weary eyes. She didn’t change any external circumstances - the bills, the stress, the needs of others were all still very much present. What did shift was her ability to meet her own needs in small, achievable ways.
The reality was she was falling apart, but not in a catastrophic way that would blow her entire world apart. The pieces that no longer fit and the ones that had been neglected far too long were making themselves known. She was becoming.
Midlife has a way of putting things front and center. It reveals where we have been overgiving, where we have been neglecting our own needs, and what roles no longer fit in this season of life. The challenge is pausing long enough to notice them and asking ourselves what we choose to do with this information. It is fully in your option to continue pushing, chasing, and “getting through the day”. Because when you wake up tomorrow morning, it’ll be there waiting for you.
Or you can choose to look it square in the eye and be brave enough to hear what it is asking of you. Here are three questions I have been working through that have held more wisdom than I honestly expected them to. Maybe they will open something for you as well.
💖What did your younger self do that you’re proud of?
💖What do you miss about her?
💖What is a role I have been filling that no longer fits in this season?
Mama, if nothing else lands today, please remember this:
You’re not alone in this journey.
You’re not failing.
You’re growing and becoming.
And that takes great courage.
With love,
Caryn
