What I Thought I Needed vs. What I Really Needed
I need more time!
How are we here again?! I just need more time. Time to share the lessons, snuggle longer, hear her in our house, spend time with her, laugh with her. More time to hold on.
But I can’t. Graduation is here and 18.25 years after we brought her home, she has bags packed and is ready to fly.
Literally.
Two days after graduation she’s flying out of country.
And here I am … pretending. Pretending I feel excited & everything is okay, but in reality, a big piece of me is crumbling inside.
I am excited for my daughter - for all the adventures she’ll have, the new friends she’ll make, the challenges that will help her choose her path in life.
And, there is a really big piece of me that is so sad that keeps the tears on standby ready to slip out at any given moment. Sad for the ending of this chapter. Sad to let go. Afraid that I forgot to pass on some crucial lessons or advice. Grieving for the piece of identity and purpose that I have had that is now changing.
My logical mind reminds me she’ll be back and that I’m still her mom. She will turn to me when she’s lonely or needs help or just needs to rant. Maybe even when she needs a hug. I know this is true - I’ve experienced it with our oldest. And still, I’m allowing myself to fully feel ALL of the emotions that graduation brings. Because it is also true that it will change.
When Camie graduated I was thrown off to discover she had signed up for a lot of housesitting that summer before college - meaning she would be at our house a lot less than I had expected. When we took her to college and stayed a few days, I had expected she and I would go shopping and excitedly choose things for her new space. When in reality, she and her boyfriend were craving that time and connection together before they had to go separate ways for a while. I understood this, and yet it left me feeling as if I’d been cheated of a little time with her. (it’s a good thing I really like this kid! 😂)
My expectations were not the reality.
What I thought I needed was time. MORE time.
More time with her at home.
More time to raise her.
More time to tell her all the things.
More time to just snuggle.
More time to hang out.
Just. More. Time.
What I came to realize was time wasn’t what I was needing. I was deeply craving connection.
Deep connection can be created in an instant - or 5 minutes. We can easily spend time together with the people we love most without creating connections.
{insert cell phones … 🙄 }
When I began to look back, I could see the moments of connection that would nestle into my heart and see that I actually had created what I needed. I had just been searching for the wrong thing.
Family weekend at the Joe
Hiking in Alaska as a family
That final hug in the parking lot before we drove away - deep connection!
The time I drove over to spend the day with her and hike the “M”
Sending photos and facetiming each other
The connection I craved was in the miniscule moments of time. And those filled my heart.
So, as you face graduation - or whatever transition feels like you just need more time (or just need more fill-in-the-blank) - I challenge you to dig deep and reflect.
Take a walk and get quiet.
Sit in prayer.
Honor your feelings.
Ask yourself: “What am I really needing?
You might be surprised by the answer you get. My guess is, it’ll sound a lot like one of your values.
I will always crave more time, but now I know when that feeling creeps up what I am truly desiring is more connection. Knowing this gives me the choice to be more intentional with the time I do have! Mamas - these things are chall-en-ging and heartbreaking and tough. That’s OK. You’re not alone.
The best part of life is we get to go through these things together. And in my opinion, that is one of the best ways to create connections. Sharing the highs and the lows with a knowing nod, smile, and hug. Just knowing that someone else understands.
Sending you a big, knowing hug 💖
