Mom Guilt & Growth
How could I miss it?
As I was chatting away on the phone with my oldest daughter, I suddenly realized the assembly for my middle daughter’s Signing Day of her senior year was happening. Right. Now.
And I had completely spaced it. I wasn’t busy working. I didn’t have any appointments. I wasn’t sick.
I simply forgot.
As I literally leapt into my car and flew down the road, knowing I had already missed it, I berated myself. “How could you forget? It’s on the calendar and you knew last night! Way to drop the ball… again.”
My internal critic was loud and mean this morning. She definitely wasn’t offering up a side of compassion.
It’s a longstanding “discussion” between my daughter and I about the stereotype that the forgotten middle child. All I could think was, “I just proved her right”. To say it didn’t feel good was like calling a root canal a gum massage. I was feeling all the shame, frustration, and mom guilt I could have at that moment.
The thing was, my daughter had also forgotten it was her signing day. Nor did she ultimately care about this moment.
However, I did.
Guilt, shame & anger offer an opportunity to take a step back and recognize where life could be out of alignment and where a value may lie. For clarity, get curious …
Why is this so important to you?
What specifically do you feel guilty about?
—> Is it missing the assembly and being physically present? Is it insight that your schedule is too overwhelming and busy where you are craving space? Did you choose something less important over what is actually a cornerstone value for you (ie. work vs being present for your kids).
What value might this be attributed to?
What was the desired feeling that may have been overlooked?
I work from home so that I am available to attend these events. It’s one of my top values and how I feel connected to my family. Missing this assembly was more about not being present in a way that my daughters know they are always supported and less about capturing the photo. Additionally, it was related to the desired feeling of being organized and prioritizing the important things in life over the daily tasks.
Considering it’s my goal to guide women in identifying what is important to them and how they can integrate it into their days, the mean girl in me knew exactly where to take aim…
“Who am I to teach women how to do this, when I - obviously - can’t do it for myself?”
Slow, deep breaths.
Gentle tapping on my chest.
More deep breaths.
The compassion slowly began to return as I coached myself. “You are the exact person women need because you are as real and imperfect as they are. Because you mess up. Because you forget. Because life is sometimes a lot to juggle.”
My breath began to slow, as did my speed and the tears that were rolling down my cheeks. Recognizing that the moment was missed already, I was able to intentionally choose where I was going to go from here.
I sent a heartfelt apology to my daughter (and again in person that night), provided grace and non-judgemental space to feel my emotions and disappointment in the moment, and thought about what would help me avoid missing moments such as this in the future.
I needed to look at my planner before bed & again first thing in the morning, so I knew what the day head would bring.
I needed to put reminders in my phone each week of important events I didn’t want to miss … with reminders.
I needed to share my mistake with others and recognize that I wasn’t alone. Because we seldom are alone in any given situation. It’s just about finding someone else who can relate.
Brene Brown reminds us that shame cannot grow in the light. We need to reach out to a safe space and share.
So I did. I asked another mom who had been there to share a group photo, which she willingly did. Unexpectedly, another mom reached out and said “Thank you! I completely forgot about it!”. In that moment, I felt less alone. Less critical. And less guilty.
This was an opportunity for me to grow and for those, I am always grateful.
